Of Bicyles and Virgins

I would like to start this post off by stating that even though I am awesome, I too make mistakes. On second thought I will retract that statement and say I am awesome, and so is my vagina - but sometimes she makes mistakes. My vagina makes mistakes like most other vaginas in that sometimes she chooses the wrong people to hang out with, probably for no other reason than "I wanna".

To get to the point, like most mistakes this one came back to hit me in the face like an angry gerbil scratching away any sense of normalcy with it's tiny infectious claws. It's not enough that living on campus (essentially one big fish bowl) causes me to constantly run into people I don't want to, but it also gets me into situations like this one. So here's the big kicker:

I've been accused of theft.

Theft of a bike with only one pedal, to be exact. Stolen purely out of feminine rage and vengeance, a big "this is what you get for never calling me" to the person in question.

Needless to say, I didn't steal it (although after this incident I do have the urge to execute vengeance in the form of pissing on his door), and I don't care that this particular 'relationship' ended. However, regardless of what I reply upon being accused of theft ("dude, I honestly have nothing against you. Good luck finding your bike") my vengeful feminist instincts shine through and give the impression that should you ever wrong me, atonement will be made (in the form of stealing something only half useful).

The only thing not hilarious about this situation is that that pair of $3000 dollar shoe owning dickmunch ruined American Psycho for me.

So the other day I was thinking about virginity.

It seems to me that there are a few major events ion one's lifetime that, depending on how they go, can totally mould a person's perspective on a particular thing. Losing your virginity is obviously such a thing, in that a bad experience can totally fuck a person's view on sex. Like, forever. So I hear.

So upon this realization I started to try to narrow down a few reasons why my experience was less then shitty and I came up with these:

Sure fire ways to not get fucked while getting fucked (for the first time)

1. Do it with someone who isn't a virgin

This mostly goes for the ladies, but less people will probably get traumatized if guys do it too. In case you couldn't guess, this characteristic in a sexual partner ups the chance that your first time won't be a total awkward fumble fest (it doesn't write of all awkwardness, but that's life). Also, if the guy or gal your boning knows the process you can just lay back in disbelief that you're actually getting laid.

2. Don't be afraid to laugh

Regardless of how experienced the person you're losing it to is, chances are shit's gonna get awkward. But my philosophy on awkward situations is that most of the time their hilarious, so relax. Sex is no fairytale, limbs are bound to get in the way and queefs happen - get over it.

3. Recognize that it'll get better

Like they said in your politically correct junior high sex ed class, it's different for everybody. But most of the time, if you have a vagina, there's some pain involved. If you don't, you will last longer in the future, trust me. The more you do it the less uncomfortable it will be (physically speaking). Practice makes pleasure, I always say.

Following these simple guidelines probably won't guarantee an eradication of any chance of trauma, but hell, it worked for me.

Anyways, let's face it, for most of you it's already too late.

Happy hunting.

The Other Woman

The other day I stumbled upon a website called TOW or The Other Woman at http://gloryb.com/. I’d like to make it clear that I wasn’t actively searching for anything, rather I was Googling the title of a Nina Simone song I happen to like out of procrastination fuelled boredom (I guess it’s a generational thing that the first thing I think to do when I’m bored is Google something). Upon stumbling upon this site I was at first confused, and then naturally, curious. It was essentially a forum/advice article archive which catered to women engaged in extra-marital affairs (in which they were not the married ones). The site offered support for the other woman (referred to as TOW) and information concerning what the site refers to as MM’s (Married Men). After doing some digging I was surprised to find that the content of the site was often written in a bitter tone (specifically, an article titled “My MM is different”, in which the author explicitly states that he is, in fact, not). Being a person who is (apparently) bitter myself I naturally took a kind of disturbed liking to the site and now I just can’t get it out my head. This internet grouping of bitter women engaged in affairs which themselves know are not morally sound and yet willingly continuing to persist in (whilst, in many cases acknowledging that the MM will never leave his wife) in a way reminded me of myself. Having engaged in a triangular relationship (nothing serious mind you, nobody married was involved), I felt myself relating to these women in their acknowledgment of their own delusional persistence.

That being said, I prefer to align myself with the TOW that persist in delusion because that plainly want what they can’t (or shouldn’t, your call) have. I’ve always understood cheating to be something you get into for sex (and some sense of the forbidden). But I suppose that’s only true if you’re the person that’s cheating, rather the person that just helps the process along. In the case of these women, it seems like they got into these relationships for reasons other than just sex, and by the time they reach the point where they write (or read, even) an article for The Other Woman they’ve realized that not much else is going to come out of it.

Let’s hope the sex is good.