It's that time of the year again, the mall-dreading, boozey-egg nog-drinking, family-fighting joyous season that brings us all together.
Is it just me or does all the shopping and alcohol consumption make this vacation fucking exhausting. I mean, don't get me wrong. I dig having some time off. Especially after the disaster that is late November and early December, my skin actually began to revolt against all the stress. My brain was like "fuck you for making me work so damn hard, I'm going to shut down AND dry your skin out until you have the wrinkles of a 35 year old single mother! HA!".
Long story short I need a break. However, since I discovered that they put booze in eggnog, it's been kinda hard to go easy on this ol' bod. So here's the big question compadres, why is it so fucking hard to get a break at Christmas?
I know I'm not alone here bitches, you dread the Christmas shopping an family gatherings as much as I do. Yes we all love our family, but that doesn't change the fact that somebody's going to get in a fight over turkey, or that kooky relative you have is going to get to drunk and embarrassing, or cousin timmy is going to go into anaphylactic shock after Aunt Shirley forgot to mention that there was peanuts in the snicker-doodles and the whole family (along with fifteen other families of total strangers) are going to spend Christmas eve in the emergency room.
and don't even get me started into the chance of running into the spirits of fuckbuddies past. "OH HEY so-in-so, let's proceed to have awkward conversation about how we're doing when we both know we weren't very good at talking to each other in the first place and try not to drool when the image of each other naked inevitably pops into our brains". Now this shit probably won't happen, that is unless you find yourself dashing from your house to the gas station on the corner to buy copious amounts of chocolate while wearing sweat pants and so many layers you look reminiscent of a four year old self drowning in one of those full-body snow suits.
Like I was saying people, CHRISTMAS = STRESS.
Delicious ginger-bready stress. I mean who's idea was it anyways to put food-filled Christmas less then a week away from New Years in which you're supposed to look smokin' in that uncomfortable and overpriced outfit you bought months ago that ends up smelling like vomit the next day and you never want to look at again.
But we'll leave the disappointment that is New Years to another day.
So here's my advice for surviving the holiday season:
1) Avoid hangovers. Yes, I know it's Christmas but double fist with water if you want to avoid looking like the disappointment you are in front of your relatives.
2) Avoid punching and/or tearing a new one out of your relatives, no matter how good it might feel. You see them less then twice a year now, put on that fake smile of yours when they mention how much you've grown.
3) Don't tell people you don't really care about from high school that "we should hang out", you will end up regretting it. Only see the people who put in enough effort to see you, cause time is potential ounces of well being lost bitches.
4) Avoid pining for the days of living in your own house where people didn't tell you what to eat and when to brush your teeth and remember that you didn't have to pay for any of the food in the fridge.
5) Don't leave the house unless you look awesome. Exiting your abode in stain-covered clothing is like asking fate to bitch-slap you, and man will she comply.
and last but not least, lie your fucking face of. You are doing awesome, life is awesome and man you get laid all the time. Like twenty-four seven. You are clearly the coolest mother fucker who ever lived and are way more rad then you were in high school.
'DILF' of the Week
Yeah it's that black guy from Criminal Minds. He might be a little too pretty (I like my men with unmanicured eye brows, what can I say) but I watch the show enough I figured I should give somebody tribute. Upon google image searching his name, Shemar Moore, he also appears to be every woman's wet dream from the 90s, and who doesn't love the 90s.
