Is it just me, or have holidays just become another excuse to try and shove your tongue down somebody’s throat?
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not one to get sentimental about certain days of the year. They happen, I get a day off (hopefully) and participate if I feel like it. But when the hell did they all become hollowed out sexified versions of themselves? Making holidays sexy are the equivilant of turning sex into porn. It’s not what it once was, it’s an emotionless busty copy that when freeze framed looks like nothing but bad decisions and soulless eyes.
I’m all for shit being sexy but this is just out of control. To clear up the difference I suggest we start to distinguish which part of the holidays we’re indulging in (the original or the slutty version) by labeling each by name.
Original/Slutty version
• Halloween/Pay too much money for very little clothing only to puke on it later-ween
• Christmas/Even Santa Claus has a penis-mas
• New Years/ I’m not desperate, it’s New Years.
• Valentine’s Day/ Valentine’s Day
• Easter/ What about Jesus? I was just planning on saying crude things from behind this bunny mask-ter
Why don’t we just be honest with ourselves people. You don’t need a day for the excuse to slut it up. Embrace your need to dress like a tramp or drape phalluses on your person. Be proud of your need to get stupid inebriated in order to approach someone of the opposite sex. Don’t be ashamed about how much money you spent, thats the only way to obtain happiness.
Man up you bitches, stop turning holidays into your coked out porn stars and slut around on non-holidays like us normal folk who don’t need a sexy nurses outfit to advertise our daddy issues.
Coming this December! — Watch in awe as Ella expresses her rage for rampant consumerism by swearing in front of children!
DILF of the Week
Jonathan Cake was in a couple episodes of Chuck, the new horrible show I'm addicted to. He's buff, looks good bloody and has a British accent. All together now ladies and gay boys — "I'd tap that!"
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