One Man Band

After talking with my room-mates, I came to the shocking and sudden realization that something must be done.

Someone must stand up, against all opposition, with courage and valour.

Someone must shout verses off a silver tounge, and make the people listen.



Someone must talk about masturbation.

That's right kiddies, what catholic school taught you not to do. Jerkin' the chicken, coaxing the clam, preparing the sausage, seasoning the taco. That thing that everybody does and everybody still feels a little guilty about.

Yes we're all sexually liberated, but yet we all still feel a little bad when engaging in some private funtimes solamente.



So here I am, sitting with my two intelligent, beautiful roomates, listening to them tell me that they "just don't". "You're kidding.." I say "I mean, we all feel weird about it first. But soon enough you'll become best friends with that hand of yours". "No" they say, "it just doesn't 'do-it' for me."

LIES bitches. You're all fucking lying to yourself. The spaghetti monster gave a two hands people, one hand to surf for porno, press play on your smut remote, or turn the page of your erotic novela and the other to diddle yourself with. Letr's face facts her people, that shit is natural. Baby's do it IN THE WOMB, which means it was probably the first thing you ever did that consciously caused you pleasure.



Thats right bitches, not your first snack cup of chocolate pudding, not your first teddy bear - the first time you wanked.

Warms the heart don't it?

Aside from the fact that you should just do it because it feels good, another reason you weirdos should start touching yourselves is because how the hell do you expect other people to make you feel good if you can't even do it yourself?

How can he find your clitorus, if you don't even know where is.

How can you teach her to give you a handjob that doesn't hurt, if are too afraid to grab your own shaft.



Masturbation is also the cure to everything. Feeling stressed? Masturbate. Had a bad day? Masturbate. Feeling lonely? Masturbate. Nothing on TV? Masturbate.

So stop feeling guilty and start feeling awesome

'DILF' of the Week

Speaking of awesome, you all know NPH. I know all you fuckers love How I Met Your Mother just as much a I do and say Barney Stinson quotes all the time then giggle amongst yourselves like the bunch of losers you are. So here's to Neil Patrick Harris for inspiring us to do something so lame that it makes us feel cool.