Here's to One Year of Smut

Well, hey derr Bitches! Guess what day it is?

They day they invented the condom? No sir! Sit kiddies, and I will tell you a story.



A year ago today, a young woman, let's call her "our hero", sat down in front of her little laptop and stared at the Internet. She browsed the web, searching, for something to peak her interest, and perhaps even described her plea. But alas she found nothing, not a single voice willing to give it to her straight.

So kiddies, what's a girl to do? After all, shit only happens if you make it happen.



So she made this shit happen, this little doctrine of debauchery, this pervert petition, this smut statement. It's the anniversary of your reason to live people, The Prowl is officially one year old! Rejoice and be thankful for the awesomeness that is the shit I say.



And now to focus on a topic not worth celebrating. There is a syndrome going around affecting dudes in their early twenties. Let's call it, "Chick-Dick Syndrome". Laugh away fuckers, but this shit is serious. I've been listening to the same fucking story from eighty different chicks.

There are dudes out there who don't want sex all the time. Some of them in fact, the worst afflicted by Chick-Dick Syndrome, never want sex at all.

I'm serious people, there is a whole legion of dudes out there who only want to cuddle.



This is my fucking worst nightmare. Worse then zombies, worse then Dinosaurs roaming the earth, even worse the Cheerleading-Cannibals.



The worst part is, as of right now there is no known cure for Chick-Dick Syndrome. It might be coming out of the closet, but we have yet to test the theory.

So watch out ladies, you think you want a man who loves to cuddle but you don't. You want a dude who can fulfill his biological purpose, trust me. If you don't heed my word you'll find yourself with a bad case of blue-vag - if you catch my drift.



And as for you fellas, for godsake stay manly. Nobody likes a clit-tease.

'DILF' of the Week

Here you have it ladies and gents, the manliest of men, the majesty of macho, his grizzled holiness: Clint Eastwood. If you want to know the reason I am the way I am, it's because I grew up watching his movies. Watch a western, grow some balls.

Straight as a Bent Arrow

Something went wrong in the universe, perverts.

Some giant nebula swerved off course and the fabric of time bent in such a way to alter the makeup of our tiny minuscule world, and whenever this happens something bad comes out of it. Crocs - metorite, Celine Dion - Space/time flex, cheese whiz - asteroid off course.


One of these disasters occurred the instant I was born. Whether it was a solar flare or a black hole, something wrongly caused me to come out straight.

I am convinced I should've been a lesbian.

(Everybody I went to high school with are as well, ammirite?)

Whether it's my love for plaid (that I'm too afraid to explore), short partially shaved hairstyles or witty queer nonfiction something went very, very wrong. I should be elbow deep in vag by now people, but alas I am toe deep in stubble.



Aside from a universal miscalculation, I've determined that the reason I came out straight is because of my inherent laziness. Cause let's face it peeps, dudes are easy. All you need is a pair of tits, and not even big ones for that matter. Hell, there are even dudes out there who don't even require a lady with all her limbs. Men are sluts.

Women on the other hand require some skills. You have to be witty, you have to look nice and you have to hide how creepy you actually are (at least until they like you enough to get all doe-eyed and forget that you have any flaws).



So, in short, all though I have all the makings of an awesome lesbian in my wicked demeanour, I'm just not sure I could cut it out in the vag-jungle. I'm like a lioness that's got all tubby on her consistent diet of hairy man flesh. I ain't fit enough to go running after those slick lady-gazelles.

Depressing, inn't?

Is it just me or does being gay also make you inherently cooler? I think because homosexuality has become so widely accepted in polite society that all the sudden, like being African American, it's cool to be queer. Lets think seriously here ladies and gents, have you ever met a homosexual who was getting less tail then you?



The answer is no. Because gay people get laid all the time because they're cooler then straight people. They don't have any lasting prudity inherited from their parents and their parent's parent's in the fifties, because they were too busy getting laid to learn that it's not polite to talk about one's genitals.

I apparently also failed to learn that lesson either, but I'm not gay so it just makes me a pervert.

Perverts.

'DILF' of the Week

In light of all the political excitement going around, I offer you another type of excitement (winky winky). I mean seriously, if all politicians were as eye-fuck worthy as Justin Trudeau, voter apathy would fail to exist. There you go Canada, I've solved all your political problems, elect a hot Prime Minister and everybody will be happy with the government.