Some giant nebula swerved off course and the fabric of time bent in such a way to alter the makeup of our tiny minuscule world, and whenever this happens something bad comes out of it. Crocs - metorite, Celine Dion - Space/time flex, cheese whiz - asteroid off course.
One of these disasters occurred the instant I was born. Whether it was a solar flare or a black hole, something wrongly caused me to come out straight.
I am convinced I should've been a lesbian.
(Everybody I went to high school with are as well, ammirite?)
Whether it's my love for plaid (that I'm too afraid to explore), short partially shaved hairstyles or witty queer nonfiction something went very, very wrong. I should be elbow deep in vag by now people, but alas I am toe deep in stubble.
Aside from a universal miscalculation, I've determined that the reason I came out straight is because of my inherent laziness. Cause let's face it peeps, dudes are easy. All you need is a pair of tits, and not even big ones for that matter. Hell, there are even dudes out there who don't even require a lady with all her limbs. Men are sluts.
Women on the other hand require some skills. You have to be witty, you have to look nice and you have to hide how creepy you actually are (at least until they like you enough to get all doe-eyed and forget that you have any flaws).
So, in short, all though I have all the makings of an awesome lesbian in my wicked demeanour, I'm just not sure I could cut it out in the vag-jungle. I'm like a lioness that's got all tubby on her consistent diet of hairy man flesh. I ain't fit enough to go running after those slick lady-gazelles.
Depressing, inn't?
Is it just me or does being gay also make you inherently cooler? I think because homosexuality has become so widely accepted in polite society that all the sudden, like being African American, it's cool to be queer. Lets think seriously here ladies and gents, have you ever met a homosexual who was getting less tail then you?
The answer is no. Because gay people get laid all the time because they're cooler then straight people. They don't have any lasting prudity inherited from their parents and their parent's parent's in the fifties, because they were too busy getting laid to learn that it's not polite to talk about one's genitals.
I apparently also failed to learn that lesson either, but I'm not gay so it just makes me a pervert.
Perverts.
'DILF' of the Week
In light of all the political excitement going around, I offer you another type of excitement (winky winky). I mean seriously, if all politicians were as eye-fuck worthy as Justin Trudeau, voter apathy would fail to exist. There you go Canada, I've solved all your political problems, elect a hot Prime Minister and everybody will be happy with the government.
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