This lady problem.
And by that, I mean I have a problem with ladies.
No surprise that I was always one of those youngin's who flocked around with the opposite gender despite social conventions. As a child I liked to play with lego, fire makeshift guns at my friends and clothesline kids that were chasing after me. You could say I was a tomboy (despite the whole ballet thing).
That's because without knowing it I realized at a very young age that men are easy. They're easy to get into the sack, sure, but eight year old Ella was more focused on the fact that men (boys) are easy to get along with. Punch them if they punch you and learn some swear words and dirty jokes and you're in. Secure your position by treasuring a nerdy pastime and you've got some buddies for life.
Getting acquainted with women, however, is a lot like solving a Rubik's cube with a zombie munching on your left arm. Yeah, yeah, I know. You're getting ready to tell me the same thing my limited number of girlfriends tell every time I ask them why women are such bitches: "well, you're kind of intimidating Ella". You have a point there, couple my patent bitch glare with all these good looks I got going on and most ladies take one look at me and think 'trouble'. She's tall, blonde, and confident. She's going to steal my (future) husband. I must destroy her with the purest form of passive aggression known to man - Alienation.
Thus assuming I can not penetrate brick wall judgements by de-establishing my self as a threat (and possibly, heterosexual?) I am forced to make conversation with the only person willing to chat with me in the room, who happens to be (surprise surprise) a dude.
and thus the vicious cycle continues.
I mean seriously ladies, why can't we all just get along. Don't get me wrong, I have been known to turn into a rabid she-wolf when an attractive woman is sighted around my territory, but I'm going to take the road less traveled and criticize myself along with everybody else. What happened to the sisterhood ladies? I thought all that bra-burning was for a reason. Let's stop hating each other and not be the reason for a giant step backwards in the feminist movement.
(For any of you that haven't seen 'Bitch Slap', go watch it now. Words cannot describe the hilarious damnation that is this movie.)Let's take a cue from the hairier sex and beat the shit out of each other till we're satisfied, and then make up over a something only recently dead. I'm up for a couple'a bruises if it means avoiding getting looked at like you just kicked a puppy in front of PETA.
'DILF of the Week'
The Ultimate in DILF material, and my perfect man. Mike Rowe, the host of Discovery's 'Dirty Jobs'. Sure, he's charming and handsome, but what makes him so great? Well, ladies and gentleman.
He knows how to get dirty.
and he fixes things. Call me Barbara-Anne and this the 1950s but I like a man who is good with his hands (and has trouble talking about his feelings).
Mike Rowe is the last of his kind, a man's man who's taken a step past average and proudly shown old-fashioned masculinity to the world, while managing to be nonchalant and never once telling a woman to make him a sandwich.
and seriously, check out his chest hair. Might as well be the Mona Lisa to me baby.
And now for a cold shower.
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